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Your Man Is Our Man

And other truths about dating In Nairobi

BY Joan Thatiah

Jan 04, 2023, 10:28 AM

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If you have lived in Nairobi, then you know dating in the city under the sun is one of a thousand ways to die. I mean, with the high femicide rate, the next guy you pick up at the bar could very well slit your throat. There’s also a decent chance the one mildly decent guy who hits on you will come with a string of foul-mouthed baby mamas. Let’s not even get into Tinder.

We know that it’s dangerous dating in Nairobi, and we also know that a good number in the dating scene are as interested in the contents of your wallet as they are in getting under your panties. What will no one tell you about being single in Nairobi?

Oh, The Bloggers

Everyone in Nairobi is a content creator. Every man you brush shoulders with has a Blog, a Vlog, or an overrated Twitter or Instagram account where they lie about how amazing their lives are. They also like to brag about their game and their dating conquests. You don’t want your half-assed attempt at seduction or oral sex to end up as a tweet or a trending meme now, do you? If you are dating in Nairobi, bring your A-game. He’s going to Vlog about it. Make sure he has only good things to say.

They Are Our Men

Singer Bensoul correctly describes the dating situation in Nairobi in his song aptly titled Nairobi when he says, Suite tuna share. It’s true. The dating scene is one big fishbowl and you have no idea who else the man you think is life’s greatest gift since 4G internet, could be seeing. This of course shouldn’t stop you from looking. Go out, get wined, and dined. Just tread carefully.

Shifting Goalposts

It’s great that you are a grown, accomplished woman who knows exactly what she wants. Men in the Nairobi dating scene are very much like the Nairobi weather- undecided. You will meet a man who will tell you, without batting an eyelid, that he likes natural women, you will take this to mean that he likes your body just the way it is, that you should go easy on the make-up but the next time you meet him, he will have a woman who looks like she was trying to see how much make-up she could get on her face, hanging on his arm. He will act upset that you are not domesticated but will leave you for a woman who will order out before she can boil an egg. To be fair, Nairobi men are ambitious and hot but they also speak from both ends of their mouths. Beware.

In The Village, It’s Still 1992

Being single in 2023 means that no one is on your neck, right? That you do not need to wax your lady bits, do your nails, or care about whether your bra matches your panties. We are all minding our business and no one cares, right? If you think like this, you need to think again.
Your friends will not bother too much about who you are or are not seeing because they are trying to figure out their own lives but guess what? Your aunts and uncles did not get the memo. They bought you a sweater or shoes when you were in nursery school, they helped raised you and they thus have an opinion on who and when you should be dating. When you go to the village, expect an army waiting with questions like, “Where is your man?” Don’t worry, it’s not personal. Every single woman in Nairobi is in this boat with you.

Read: Should You Hook Up With The Hot Guy At Work?