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6 Men You'll Meet Online

And why he'll never prepare the chicken stew

BY Pauline Katethya

Mar 14, 2023, 08:26 AM

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I had a man who loved me dearly and wanted to marry me. He proposed and I said no. Just kidding, he didn’t propose, though he wanted to settle down with me. It’s not like his left arm was longer than the right or he was one of those men who get turned on by accountants. No. I didn’t know him, never met him, and I wasn’t sure if he was a man or a woman pretending to be a man. 

These are the kind of men you meet online. From those who want to have a good time with you and are open about it, to those who like 50 of your Instagram pics in a day. Sometimes it’s not even the older men but high school students who still use xaxa or niajez. 

When Are You Coming To My Place 

I have never understood what is special about men’s houses. Do they have an art museum inside? A small heaven where King Solomon reads you a few poems before you go back to normal life?

Guys will be in your DMs asking utakuja nikupikie lini yet we all know the closest thing they can get to cooking is boiling indomie. Do we look so hungry or malnourished that you want to shove food down our throats as soon as you can? And what happened to dates and dinner? Men, is this how we are going to live?

And because they know how scared we are, they will insist that they won't do anything to us, yet we all know the drill. It's about to go down.

The Greeter 

As soon as you accepted his friend request in 2017, he said hello and has since been greeting you. You replied to his text once. It's 2021, and he still says hi, hello, and msupa umenyamaza sana. You don’t have any mutual friends, and he doesn’t look familiar, but he wants to know you more, and unfortunately, you haven’t given him the chance. Whatever these guys use, I need it in life. Their ambition and persistence are something else. 

Send Me Your Number 

You will meet some men online and wonder whether they were raised by wolves. They won’t ask for your number. They will demand it. If it was in real life, I picture them holding a gun to your head, commanding you to give it to them, or else they shoot you. 

As my friend says it’s the era for shooting your shot, but even if I give you my number, what’s next? What will you do? I have the option of giving it to you, and then going missing. If we have to ask for these numbers, can we at least be kind and communicate like people who went to school?

The Sex Addict 

They will send you plenty of dick pics, and sex videos and ask you to send nudes. Their language will be vulgar, you will wonder how a stranger can be so mannerless.
Kenyan men are not into this thing very much but Indians… 
Something is truly wrong with them. A country cannot be that horny. Almost every girl will complain about an Indian sending them these pics. I don’t know if they have a fetish for Black Women, or what goes on in their mind. It doesn't matter whether they are old or young. All of them want some action. In case one is reading, are you guys okay? Is there something we can do to help other than your sexual needs?

The Married Guy 

There is always a married guy somewhere who wants you like crazy. The profile picture is of mama and the kids, but he doesn’t care about that. He wants you and because he has money, he thinks he can get every woman he wants. He will promise you sweet nothings, a good life, and expensive holidays. He will even go ahead and say that his wife won’t have a problem knowing he has a mpango wa kando.

Sometimes you wonder why these guys married in the first place and why they can’t keep it in their pants. Cause the truth is, they are not talking to you alone. Mko wengi.

The Doubting Thomas 

They are interested in you but they are afraid. They don’t believe that a girl like you can be single. They will be like,  nikikupigia usiku haitaleta shida or uko sure hii mali yote si ya mtu. As if it's supposed to belong to someone else other than you. Bruh, are we going to do this or not?

Read: Let's Talk About Sex. Stealthing Is Nothing