I have many questions regarding religion and Christianity, but that’s a story for another day. When I go to church, I sit at the back, because I heard once demons are exorcised, they enter those people seating near the pulpit. Also, I love observing people because they can be quite dramatic. There will be mamas who before they start singing will tell you usiskize sauti, skiza maneno or give funny testimonies about how the Lord saved them from falling down the stairs. We blame the devil for bad things even when he is relaxed, sipping cold mango juice in hell.
Here are the types of people you will find in church.
The Holier Than Thou
They walk with their heads bowed down. They attend every seminar and church rallies. They know what David says in Psalms chapter 38 verse 6. They barely have any friends because they don’t talk to non-Christians. They believe people who have sex before marriage, or people with dreadlocks will be struck by lightning. They don’t believe women should wear trousers to church or makeup. Everyone is a sinner save for them. They know what is right for Christians and what isn’t. They get to make the rules.
Mama Muchene
They know all the gossip in church. They know how much money was stolen after the fundraising. And which Pastor grabbed the largest amount. They know the elders having affairs with the young women in the congregation. Ask them who was spotted in a club on Saturday night and they will tell you it’s the praise and worship leader.
The Sleeper
These people are allergic to church. Once they get there, the sleep demon takes over. They’ll start yawning as soon as the praise and worship team starts singing. And when the preacher starts preaching, that’s it. The sleep demon will have paralyzed them completely and they’ll surrender to it. Some will drool, snore and they’ll wake up in the middle of a sermon to shout an Amen or turn a bible's page. You will wonder why they didn’t stay at home and sleep.
The Fashionista
They know the latest trends in town and they are here to showcase them to you, in case you still live in the 17th Century. Most of them are usually women and the dresses or the skirts will be too tight, too short, and the slits too high, distracting men of God who want to go to heaven.
They shine brighter when it’s time to give the offering. They will walk as if they are on a runway, taking small stride and giving people enough time to breathe in their beauty. You don’t know whether they intend to seduce the Pastor. And if they have something close to a big ass, they will sway and shake it, you’ll think it will fall to the ground.
The Off-key Singer
Someone from the praise and worship team is always off-key. They’ll try to hit certain notes but fail miserably. They are always loud, they keep embarrassing themselves, mpaka you wonder how the hell they are allowed to sing like that in the House of the Lord. And these people are always confident, you can’t tell them anything. The stares don't shock them. They think they are for Karen who is wearing too much makeup.
If it’s not the off singer it’s the off dancer. They didn’t show up for the choir practice and when people are moving right, they are moving left. When people are going up they are going down.
The Attention Seeker
They are so extra. Everything they do, they blow it out of proportion. They will clap loudly. Their hands will be all over the place. They’ll incorporate dance moves from a secular song to make them look like the cool kid on the block. They’ll do everything to attract the cameraman’s attention just so they can appear on the screen. Yaani these guys can never be humble. They are the type of people who will always have irrelevant testimonies.
The Lovebirds
The Lord Jesus has helped them find the one. The one who was meant for them. They will wear matching kitenges, hold hands, and whisper to each other’s ears during the sermon. They will be so romantic, the guy will even carry mama’s handbag and hold her hand lest she gets lost on her way out. They will make you feel jealous because the only thing in your hand is a bible.
And when some of these couples tell their stories, they’ll say how the Lord talked to them, showed them that this was their person. And all along I always wonder, does God talk to me, or am I usually busy eating that I don’t hear his voice?
Mother Abraham
There is always a mother in church with small five children tagging along. The younger ones will cry their eyes out and church babies don’t cry beautifully. They cry with so much anger and bitterness. Their cries are usually loud and ugly you wonder where they came from whether they’ll lose their voice or get a sore throat once they are done.