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The Biggest Second Wife Insecurities You Might Face

Take comfort in time

BY Mercy Kipchilat

Jan 23, 2023, 08:08 AM

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With an ex to deal with and children to win over, walking into a marriage as a second wife is not something that many women can handle. 

While marriages are quite challenging in general, being a second wife comes with its own unique challenges that mostly stem from second-wife insecurities which honestly need a lot of hard work to overcome.

Here is a look at some of the second wife insecurities that you may experience as a second wife as well as a few helpful tips to overcome the insecurities.

Negative Stigma

One of the biggest insecurities that come with being the second wife is that society is less accepting of second wives.

From assumptions that you were the “other woman” during your husband’s first marriage and ultimately the cause of their break up, to comparisons with his first wife who was generally loved by the community and the uncomfortable stares and questions; the negative stigma is real and you should be ready to deal with it.

The Second Wife Syndrome

The second-wife syndrome is a real thing and a major source of second-wife insecurities that can undermine your marriage.

You may constantly feel marginalized, unimportant and left out by your husband and his first wife and children, and that’s essentially the second wife syndrome. Here are some signs that you are dealing with second wife syndrome:

  • You constantly feel that your partner, knowingly or unknowingly, prioritizes his previous family over you and your needs.

  • You constantly compare yourself to his first wife and feel as if you're falling short.

  • You feel trapped and as if you don't belong where you are. You might even begin to dislike your role as a second wife.

  • You feel compelled to exert influence over your husband's decisions. 

Being A Stepmom

Another big second-wife insecurity that you may encounter is becoming a stepmother to your husband’s children. Being a mother is hard, being a stepmother- even harder.

Filling out the role of a stepmom can be difficult, especially if you don't have any children of your own. You must be mentally prepared for some difficult days when you will feel inferior, misunderstood, and overwhelmed.

To begin with, the children may not accept you as a parent figure, and they may even resent and blame you for their parents' divorce. This will make it difficult to enforce rules or instil values in them.

Even if the children are more accepting, you will still have to deal with their mother, who is unlikely to welcome a new person into her children's lives. Then there is the extended family like the children’s grandparents and uncles who might not even see you as the children’s “parent”.

Fitting In Can Be Hard

As the latest addition to your husband’s life, fitting in with his already-established friends and family can be an uphill task.

When two people get married, their lives get intertwined, and it’s only natural that they find themselves in the same social circles. Your husband and his first wife had obviously established their social circles. 

Getting acquainted with his group of friends and even becoming a member of the group can be hard. To begin with, you might feel like an outsider, and also there is always the fear of not being fully accepted by members of the group who have their loyalty to your husband’s first wife.

How To Overcome Second Wife Insecurities

Even though at first it might seem impossible to deal with your inadequacies and insecurities as a second wife, you should take comfort in knowing that with time, you will be able to fit in and stop feeling like the new or second wife.

Here are a few more pointers to help you deal with your second wife insecurities:

  • Accept that the past is the past and focus on creating new firsts.

  • Own your role as a second wife and try to feel comfortable under your own skin.

  • Take the journey of being a stepmom one day at a time and create a role that you are comfortable with.

  • Remind yourself that you get a better version of your husband and learn from his past mistakes.

  • Learn your strengths and build on them.