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RELATIONSHIPS

Sis, Don’t Wait For That Guy

Tough love that you might need to hear

BY Pauline Katethya

Jul 13, 2021, 01:36 PM

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Women love waiting around for men to be ready. We wait because we hope that whatever it is we are in, will lead to a relationship. And there’s nothing heartbreaking as being hopeful, in a hopeless situation.

Men have made us believe that they are not good at communicating. That it’s not their portion. They have made us believe that they’d rather throw themselves down a cliff than commit. They have made us believe that they are busy. So busy that they can’t get two seconds to text. Two. And so we bask in the sun all day waiting for their call. They have made us believe that we are not worthy of a phone call. A phone call for heaven’s sake. 

They have made us wait for relationships that are never going to happen, in the name of ‘Oooh I’m not ready, let’s just go with the flow' or 'If it's meant to happen it will happen’.  I need to know where the relationship is going. There’s no way you’ll enjoy the perks of a relationship and still think you’ll die if you get into one. 

When a man wants you, he’ll find you. He’ll make his intentions clear. He’ll put in the work. He’ll be present. He’ll be emotionally available. He’ll communicate. He’ll apologize when he’s wrong. Take care of you in every possible way, respect you, protect you and help you grow together. That man will play his part and he’ll stay. No lies, no games, no excuses. He will want all of you to himself and he won’t mess around.

I stopped making excuses for men once I started respecting myself more, and realized that they could communicate. I thought it was a disability they were born with, kumbe it’s just a habit. And I’m not bragging or anything, but with all this beauty, I can’t afford to be a great woman in a bad relationship. 

It’s time we stopped accepting half-cooked lies and stories. We deserve better because we are amazing people who need to be treated right. People who don’t need to be kept in the dark because clearly there is a difference between keeping it private and keeping it a secret.

I’m not a relationship expert or something, but here’s stuff you ought to know.

Men Know How To Use A Phone

You are not allowed to accept any excuse unless he lives in the age where people communicate through smoke or tie a note to a pigeon’s foot. If he isn’t calling or texting, you are not on his mind. It doesn’t matter how busy he was. No one, absolutely no one, forgets to text someone they are genuinely interested in. You don't just slip off their mind.

He Won't Keep You Guessing

If he’s serious about you, he won’t keep you guessing or give you mixed signals. If you have to question your place in someone’s life, then that’s where you stand. Stop buying ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ excuse. It has everything to do with you. Everything. He’s not interested in you sis. He doesn’t like you enough to want to be with you.

Men Are Not Complicated

Men are never too busy to get what they want. They are not as complicated as they make it seem. People act right for who they want to act right for. So, if he isn’t acting right, he doesn’t like you enough to act right for you. Don't try to figure him out or make excuses for him. Go to the places where you are welcomed. Remember, his friends calling you wife doesn't mean anything. They know who else he is hanging out with.

Don't Lower Your Standards

If he is serious about you, he'll meet you on your level, or meet you halfway. Don’t lower your standards or be less of who you are so that that a guy can feel comfortable with you. Someone said, don’t reduce the weight of your crown just because it’s heavy for a man to carry. If it’s too heavy for him, get a man with bigger hands. If a guy likes you more when there’s less of you. There’s danger looming in the darkness.

Stop Waiting

Stop waiting for someone to be ready. That’s like waiting at the altar for a groom who will never arrive. There’s no need to wait for something that will never be yours. If he says he isn’t ready to be in a relationship, however genuine he may be, according to the relationship dictionary that means, I’m not ready to be in a relationship with you. Wait until you are both on the same page otherwise, you have no business being on that book. You’ll pay the price heavily.

Guys won’t tell you the truth especially if they know that it’ll hurt you. You’ll however see it in the way they are treating you. People tell you who they are all the time. Just listen. Carefully. Sometimes, it’s exactly what it looks like. Open your eyes.

You're Not His Savior

Don’t ever think you can change a man. You can never change him unless he decides to change. Don't try to save him too. Not everyone needs saving. And even if they do, what makes you think that you are their savior? Read a book or do something meaningful. Stop trying to heal wounds you are not responsible for. That’s not your work. We have all been hurt and some people are still hurting. If someone is not working on their healing, that’s on them. You don’t deserve someone you need to heal.

If he has you saved by your official names like Margaret Achieng, that guy doesn’t like you. I don’t care how respectful he sounds, but it’s a big red flag. These are the guys who will post a ‘Happy birthday Margaret Achieng’ on his status on your big day.

It's Not An Accident

There has NEVER been accidental sex. Guys don’t accidentally sleep with someone. Eti he was on his way to the bathroom and he fell on another woman? Cheating is a calculated move and the highest form of disrespect. Also, there’s never a good excuse for cheating. 

Stop sending those long texts, telling him how he should treat you. He knows exactly how he is treating you and he knows what it is he is doing wrong. A man who genuinely cares about you, won’t disrespect you in any way.

Respect Yourself

Being beautiful, or attractive is not reason enough to get into a relationship. A lot of things are attractive. You need much more than that. What happens if you get acne or get fat?

It's poor spiritual hygiene to give everyone access to you. Stop giving yourself fully to people who don’t deserve you. We have let sex become an easy commodity to the point that guys think they are entitled to it. They are not.

Be The Table

Choose people who chose you and reciprocate what is being reciprocated. If you know what you bring to the table then you don’t have to force someone to sit down and eat with you.

Stop dating people who are afraid of talking about the future. If you don’t share the same views as him about the future, then there’s a problem. Settling for less because you’d rather have something than nothing or because you are lonely, isn't right. 

Respect yourself enough to walk away from situations that don’t serve your interest or give you peace. How you love yourself is how you teach others to love you. If it’s mentally, emotionally, and physically destroying you, you have no reason to be there. Know when enough is enough for you. If he thinks you are needy or demanding just because you are trying to teach him your love language. That’s an asshole. Walk away. 

Be Realistic

Raise or reset your standards. Of course, they need to be realistic. No prince charming will come on a chariot blazing fire, and sweep you off your feet. If you don’t have any set, you’ll settle for anything that comes your way. Don't play house help for someone doesn’t know where you are going. Why wash dishes for him. What for? Si you rather pick litter in town?

Don’t be flattered he texted. Be flattered that he took time to see you or planned a date, a weekend getaway, or a fun activity. It takes seconds to text unless it’s those long texts that say it’s not you, it’s me.

Some men are toxic because we have let them be. Because we have helped them become toxic. We can do better.

Read: Do You Believe In Marriage Then Love?