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Children Will Be The Death Of You And Me

They become deaf when you tell them to clean their rooms

BY Pauline Katethya

Jan 24, 2023, 09:37 AM

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Whoever said God can’t give you more than you can handle, hadn’t clearly thought about children. Children can be a pain in the neck and drive you nuts. And now, they are finally going back to school, praise God? 

Some years back, schools would close for like a week or two. We would even forget what our parents looked like because we barely saw them. But nowadays, they close for months and that’s when you look up to the high heavens, scream, and ask God, “Surely, what did I do to deserve this?

Here are reasons why kids can be the death of you. 

Selective Hearing 

You can scream food is ready and kids will hear you three blocks away as they play in their friend's house. But when you whisper in their ear and tell them to clean their room, they suddenly become deaf. 

If you are not careful, you might develop varicose neck veins from shouting or get migraines. They also get sick when they are supposed to go to the shop, take out the trash, or do their homework. But tell them to go and play or watch the TV and they miraculously get healed and their joy returns. 

They will also suffer from selective amnesia. They’ll forget if they did the social studies homework but will remember a toy you promised to buy them or that the last time they ate KFC chicken was on 19th November at 3 PM, the day Uncle Moses came to Nairobi.

Food. Food. Food

Kids are expensive as hell. As soon as you give them breakfast, you have to start thinking about what they’ll take for midday, lunch, evening, dinner and in case someone wakes up starving in the middle of the night. 

They can go for endless hours playing with friends only to come back home for a plate of food and then disappear again. They don’t love their parents as much as they love food. And they never care how tough the economy is and how expensive foodstuffs are. 

Sometimes, you want to cry and tell them you don't have the energy to cook and that you also want someone to prepare you fried fish and ugali, but they know they have a right to eat or else scream until someone calls the cops. 

Noise 

If you live in a neighbourhood with a playground and swings and bouncing castles, then you are lucky. But if you are like me and you live in a place where kids gang up along pavements and run from one end of the corridor to the other as if possessed by evil spirits, then you understand my frustration. 

People talk about toxic relationships, but kids can derange you, especially with the screams. There’s a particular age that just cries and screams when it’s sad, hungry, mad, happy, or while asking for a toy. 

Sometimes, you feel like handing them over for adoption, cussing them out but you remember how innocent and beautiful they are and you prefer going insane. 

Distance 

If you are raising teenagers, things are even worse. There comes a time when they lock themselves in their room and avoid you at all costs. Their phones become an extended version of their hands and their backs bend a bit since they are always bent into a device. 

They demand to eat their meals in the bedroom and you only see their shadows as they head to the bathroom or look for a meal in the kitchen. They create so much distance between you, that you no longer know who they are, if they still believe in God or if they like girls or boys. 

They no longer accept hugs or respond to I love you’s. They cringe whenever you wipe dirt off their faces with saliva as if that’s the worst thing that’s happened to them.